The Inner Quest. Part 1. (The Self)

by Mare Stellarum

Some days ago, I was looking to work on my addiction to anger, and one of the things I decided to do to work on it, was to do a reading for myself, using The Wild Unknown Archetypes deck.

I really loved the deck, ans that’s why I ordered it, but I have had the feeling that it is only for very important issues, such as this.

I thought I would use “The Inner Quest”, one of the spreads put forward in the book. This is a kind of narrative spread that I decided would help me visualise and interpret the role my anger is playing and how I can deal with it more effectively.

This spread consists of 4 different cards, each taken from one of the four groups of cards in which the deck is divided: Selves, Places, Tools and Initiations.

The Selves have to do with the part of me that is the main character in this story. As it is the main character, we will see it have adventures, develop and grow.

The Places are the background to the story, the metaphorical scenery, the backdrop against which the Self is walking her path.

The Tools are something I need to acquire or abandon in order to fulfill my task or mission in this journey.

The Initiation is the challenge. What I need to face in order to grow and succeed.

Self: The Pilgrim

When I saw the card, I felt a deep identification with it. Indeed, that is who I am. I know, I know we are all the archetypes at one time or another, but when I saw it, there was the deep realisation that I have been on a pilgrimage all my life. I have always looked for truth, for deeper understanding, for happiness and growth.

It made me remember one of the last conversations I had with my ex-boyfriend. He told me, in a tone of deep pity, that he was worried about me, because I was always looking for something else, that I seemed never to be satisfied. Of all the things that could have hurt me, I think that was the one that hurt the most.

It took me some time to articulate my sorrow at his words, but I finally came to realise that this search, this insatisfaction and this pursuit of spiritual growth was who I am, a huge part of me, and I then knew that it is something that frustrates me and fills me with joy in equal measure.

Being a pilgrim means a number of things. You leave the comfort and uncertainty of the life that you know, all in the pursuit of something new, the unknown places or feelings or adventures or thoughts.

It is exciting, but it is also scary. There comes a time in the pilgrimage when you realise that no one can really accompany you, that if you decide to take this path you have to do it alone.

And once you understand that fact, which may me a little bit sad, but also strangely liberating, your steps become lighter, you can walk with your head high, and the real pursuit begins.

“With The Pilgrim at your side you will never lack courage. Nor do you need every amenity. Travel light, travel soon… your spirit needs it.” (Krans, 101)

I have been wanting to write for so long, and I have been wanting to travel for so long and I have been waiting for a very long time to find people like me, people I can walk this same path with.

But instead of looking forward and trying to find like-minded people elsewhere, I have been waiting for many years to be able to bring the people I love along with me on my path. And I now know that not only is that selfish, it is impossible. Not everybody wants to walk. Not everybody can.

And everybody has their own quest to attend to.

So I think a big part of my anger has to do with me not being able to move forward because I am waiting for others to join me, because I have been afraid of going on my way alone.

The first thing to understand is that this has been nobody else’s fault but mine. I made the decision, without noticing I was deciding anything, that I had to wait for others to walk my personal path. So this anger I feel at people not following me, could be better directed at actually walking this path.

I’m angry at not doing the things I would have loved to be doing. But I’m alive, I’m young and I’m healthy. So now I begin.

As the Chinese proverb says: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”


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