Today I did a reading for myself, using the deck of The Wild Unknown Archetypes by Kim Krans.
As most people right now, I have been having a difficult time in this quarantine. My reasons might be different, though. I don’t know.
I have no problem with isolating myself; in fact, in recent years I have searched more and more solitude, silence and peace. I have walked away from most people, because I have increasingly felt that I needed to be with myself, to face myself.
I haven’t done much facing, however. I have already painted a rather sad picture of what I do in my alone time here and here. I have been using shopping, watching streamed videos or else doing procrastinating reading to avoid sitting in front of myself as if in front of a mirror to face what I need to face.
Yesterday I had a really bad day. It’s not that anything particular happened, I just felt angry ALL day. I don’t really know why, and it doesn’t matter.
My anger has got to a point where it is debilitating and painful, physically and mentally.
And I have always been like that, since I was a little girl. Then, I remember, when I was in high school, one afternoon I was waiting for my father to pick me up. As I was sitting at a table, a teacher I really hated came to me. She sat down and said to me, amongst many other things, that she couldn’t believe that such a young person could be so angry.
Of course I got angry, although I didn’t say it. But I also felt sad, and ashamed. And that is how anger has always made me feel. Yes, that’s right. My anger makes me feel other things.
Through time I have come to understand that all this anger is a mask for other feelings, especially fear and sadness. I think I have always considered myself to be a happy person because I am either happy or angry, almost never sad. And this is because I use my anger as a shield, as a cloak that protects me from feeling anything else.
So yesterday I was feeling really down from all that anger, and decided to change my normal meditation to a guided meditation about anger. The speaker asked to visualise my anger, to give it a physical shape, colour, smell, taste, etc.
What I saw in my mind’s eye broke my heart. It was me, or rather my shape made of molten rock. When it moved, I could see the blackened rock (or skin) break open and the incandescent rock glow from inside. Her presence felt really hot. And her charred rock-skin made me feel pity for her – for myself.
I remember I thought if I asked to sit on my bed, she would burn it, so I sat with her in the park near my house. We didn’t talk. I just saw her, and I felt immensely sad. I felt sad that not even she was aware of the facts or the origins of her existence.
But there she is, inside of me, firing me up, informing almost everything I do. And that blackened skin forms the scars that I wear in my soul, the scars that nobody sees.
And thus I decided to do some real work on my anger, to better understand it. It has been my faithful companion all my life, and it has served me well, too well. Until it gained control of everything.
To gain said understanding, I started with that archetype card reading. I used a spread that is suggested in the book, The Inner Quest.
I am excited for this is the start of a journey. The cards that came out in that spread are eerily accurate and reflected many things I have always known about who I am, but that I refused to acknowledge.
Tomorrow, we go through the spread. There is so much to reflect. To learn. To grow.
Bye for now!