The Inner Quest Part 3 (The Vow)

sdr

Hey there!! We continue where we left off.

After visiting The Pilgrim, the character of this story, and The Box, the setting where it is taking place.

The next step on the Inner Quest Spread is The Tools. The Tools are Archetypes on their own right, but they can also represent an “object”, something that is needed throughout the story, something like a weapon, or a special power, or a certain mindset that we need to capture in order to defeat the monster that doesn’t allow us to continue on our path.

When I saw The Vow, it spoke to me of promises that you make to yourself, commitments that go way beyond our life experiences and that can be even karmic.

What promises have I broken to myself? I have lost count of the times I have said I am going to do one thing or another, something I really want to do for myself, and then I don’t.

I just sit back and watch life and time go by, never moving, never acting. And then, of course, not getting to where I want to be makes me frustrated and irascible.

Just today, I was thinking of how many times we start to do something that we want to do, but the first time(s) we do it the effort necessary is so intense, that we give up. We can talk about exercise, or writing, or reading more, or learning something new. The first time we move our bodies, our minds or our souls in a specific direction, it is painful, we can’t seem to catch our breath, and more often than not we find ourselves unable to move the following day.

And this is why we cannot get into the habit of walking towards that goal we set for ourselves, and instead we get into the habit of not continuing, of not finishing. And just as it is difficult to get into any new habit, it is damn hard to get rid of the habit of inconsistency. It is as painful, as hard, as the most demanding, strenuous exercise you can imagine.

You get really used to your word meaning nothing. Despite the honesty with which you say you try to live the rest of your life, the truth is that you keep lying to yourself, breaking your promises to yourself, and you get away with it because it seems there is nobody there to judge you, because nobody knows.

But you know. You know and you keep doing it, while you make excuses for yourself. I can’t do it, I’m too weak, I’m too old, I haven’t got what it takes. The difference is, you have what it takes, but you choose not to use it. Because you’re tired, because it’s difficult, because you don’t believe in yourself.

“These promises cannot be unsaid or forgotten, so breaking them can leave lingering complexities and loose ends.” (173) Indeed, everything becomes increasingly complex, because you break your promises to yourself while you honour other promises, which are unimportant, but you lie to yourself and think that you’re achieving something, while your soul and your dreams lie dying in a corner of The Box.

And of course this is a source of deep anger to me. I fill with joy when I meet a person who is living their dream or their passion, while I look at myself and I realise that doing that is beyond my reach. I convince myself that I am unable to keep these promises, that I don’t deserve to be happy.

And of course, the more energy I put into these plastic promises the angrier, I get because not only are my dreams not coming true, but I am wasting so much energy in doing things I don’t care about.

And so it is time to honour those Vows, the Karmic vows. And if I am a Pilgrim, ready to walk her own path, so be it. It is time.

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