I should have suspected something when I got the Ace of Swords, inverted as my Card of The Day: Confusion, lies. Not being able to face the truth. I’m not talking about myself, but I rather am, because I heard the falseness in someone’s lies, but feel really unable to call her out on it, because she is depressed, and anxious, and God knows what else.
So I am left with my feeling angry and also guilty for wanting to tell her the truth of how I feel. That’s a big mountain we have to climb, in my family. We never talk. We don’t lie, but we never tell each other the truth. If something hurts, if something irritates us, or makes us furious, we are not allowed to talk about it.
And so we have lived, for decades and decades, not being ok with anything, but saying nothing about it.
But emotions run deep. I have strived, all my life, to be different to what my family taught me. To share my feelings, to be more open with people I love, but I feel I have only achieved it at a very superficial level. The truth is, that whenever I am in a relationship, of any kind, I am never completely honest.
Because I don’t share. Whatever it is I am feeling or thinking, I don’t share. It’s not out of a desire to be dishonest, or sneaky, but I don’t want to hurt people, I don’t want to make them uncomfortable with my truth.
I don’t share my bad thoughts, and also I don’t share my good thoughts. And then I find myself being tossed about by a river of anger and resentment, both of which I express by snapping at people disproportionately. And then comes guilt. And tiredness. And the cycle continues.
All of these thoughts have just added to the general messiness and confusion of today. Of course, this family topic is a never ending source of material for shadow work, growth and development.
Plus the normal frustrations that everyone is feeling right now, especially when your job (and your income) is in danger.
So, in the end, I did have an Ace of Swords, inverted sort of day.
And I was thinking of not publishing this post, because I don’t want to sound whiny, or complaining, or overtly negative. But also I promised myself I would publish every day and this is what went on today.