I have a little more than a week left in my apartment. I was never particularly happy in it, because it’s a loft, and so I get a lot of light, even at night. I like nights to be dark.
But I love the neighbourhood. All around me there are trees, trees everywhere.
When I came to live here, I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend and I used to have long, sad walks with my dogs in the park. I would spend hours walking through the rustling leaves, looking at the roots, the trunks, the canopies filtering the sunlight.
I loved to take pictures of the flowers with their bright petals, yellow, purple, red, pink, orange. I could go to the rooftop and see the sky, the clouds, the sunset, the stars at night.
And soon this will all be over. I will not see the blue sky, I won’t hear the sigh of the leaves. I will take my dogs out for walks on traffic-ridden streets, where they won’t be able to run free.
I keep telling them, or rather myself, that we have gone through real bad times, and that I will always be with them and that I’ll look after them. I don’t know if it’s a great solace for them, but I try to console the part of my soul that lives on nature and open air.
I don’t mean to be ungrateful, the apartment I found is really wonderful, in an area surrounded by culture and art, but it is much more urban and I am really afraid that I will be able to find no peace there.
I am sad, and I am scared, but I can also catch a glimpse of opportunity and possibility and I want to hold on to that, because I know that I need to keep growing, that change is inevitable and that this too shall pass.
Perhaps it’s time to close my eyes and look inside. Where in my soul can I find the trees, the greenery, the vegetation and the expanse? The beauty of the gardens has entered through my eyes, but it is time to revisit the beauty of my inner realm.
By creating beauty I put beauty outside in the world, and regardless of where I am, I construct around me a world full of beauty.
I know I am able to recreate these emotions, this freedom, this joy, but at times an external impulse seems necessary. Leaving a place that has healed you so much, that has illuminated your darkest hours and given you peace is another thing you need to learn to let go of. Nothing in this life lasts forever.
Dry your tears and carry on.