I’m always looking for new things, and so my attention is always on many different things at the same time. You just have to look at the inside of my bag. I always carry my Kindle, books (2 or 3, because I can’t really choose), my journal, a small notebook for ideas, highlighters, coloured pens. In the end, every time I go back home and I didn’t do any reading and writing at all. I didn’t use any of the things I was carrying in my bag.
When I’m home, I take out several books that I am in love with at the moment, the same journal and notebook the pens and the highlighters. And at the end of the day I put them back away, not having written or read anything at all. Did I mention I watched Amazon Prime or You Tube all day?
In recent years, I have (sometimes angrily, sometimes desperately) begrudged the time I spend doing my regular job. The truth is after many years doing it I have been successful in giving myself plenty of free time. For example, I have managed to plan my classes really quickly and efficiently, sometimes adapting lesson plans, so that I will not spend that much time on planning. All because I want my free time.
You will ask, free time for what?
When I have it, I don’t do anything with it. I lie in bed, with all the notebooks and books that I never use, watching those videos, many on how to start writing, or the creative life, etc. It’s absurd, and I know it. I really do.
Right now, the best I can say in my favour is that I am working at the sound of a meditation music video on You Tube.
This quarantine has proved difficult for people who are forced to stay at home. Not for me, not in that sense. After the quarantine started, I discovered that pretty much all my life goes on inside my home. True, I go to work, I teach my classes, so I go out. But as soon as I’m finished, I run back home, with my books and my pets. This last year had built to this isolation in my life, anyway, and I was enjoying it deeply.
However, yesterday was a particularly difficult day. I spent all day filling my Amazon cart with everything imaginable. I even bought a mini microphone I didn’t really need, which half an hour later I proceeded to cancel. Then I went to some You Tube videos and websites and made notes on the tarot books that were recommended. I then proceeded to my Amazon account to see which ones I could order.
In the end, I didn’t order any books because all of them would be delivered in 6 to 15 days due to the quarantine. I realised that I buy so many things from Amazon because they save me the hassle of going outside plus I get my products almost immediately. What I learned about myself made me sad, and made me worry.
What I feel, and I’m sure many of you do too, is that buying these tarot books (or any books for that matter) is going to fix my life. That it is going to fix my emptiness or the dissatisfaction with all the things I’m not happy about in myself, or in my thoughts or actions.
And then the problem was, that when I reached these conclusions, I thought I might find some great books on how to focus and how to stop feeling like this. And then I went on another Amazonian exploratory trip to see what books they hold on focusing and organising goals and stuff. And it was even sadder that many of the books that I decided to purchase, Kindle informed me I already had. What is going on with me? At least I was not on the market looking for physical books, otherwise I would own two separate copies.
I’m only sharing it now, but it’s been like this my whole life.
It’s not so much the fact that I get distracted with everything, namely social media, Amazon, my own bulging physical and electronic library. The fact that I never get anything done. Because nothing seems to hold my interest.
I just can’t finish.
I don’t know why, or better said, I know why deep down but I haven’t sat down to think about it. Or face myself.
And then this list occurs to me:
- I lose interest very fast.
- I get bored very quickly. (not bored, but restless)
- I’m afraid.
- I’m afraid of commitment, of staying with one thing too much and then down the line realising that it was all a big mistake.
- I feel I just can’t do it. (do what?)
- I can’t be bothered to start from scratch again.
- Who am I to be creative?
- Who am I?
- I have always wanted to be a writer.
- I have always wanted to be a poet.
- I have always wanted to write journals.
- I have read Writing Down the Bones I don’t know how many times and also many other books on creativity. (and still nothing)
- Once upon a time I said, “I will start writing when I finish high school.” That was 20 years ago.
- 20 years ago and I haven’t accomplished anything.
And this has led me to despise my work and my job, when in fact it is not “their” fault.
I should have been aware. I should have used them as a stepping stone to get money to do other things. But instead I focused all my time on work, and all my money on buying things to bring me answers that only I could reach.
And still I begrudge the time I spend doing my job, when the fact is that it allows me a lot of free time that I am not using effectively.
I have a lot of time that I could be using to start a writing practice. I could also be doing more exercise. And I could be uploading content to this blog.
So now I sat down and thought about these things and realise that there is time. That I have called myself out on these things I’ve been doing which have resulted on me being unhappy and not doing what I have always been called to do.
And also, it is more of a commitment when you do it in public. So there it is:
I commit myself to two very important things today.
- I will publish something in the blog everyday.
- I will start a Depth Year as of today. (Terms and conditions to follow in next post)
Because if you look back at my list, I mention fear. Fear of starting, fear of making mistakes, fear of not having the right to write or to express myself or to share what I have learnt. And I don’t want to be afraid. And so I start.
Please walk with me!!!